Holding on to Aaron

It has almost been a year since my brother died; I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I thought my life would be easier and my pain would be lessened by now- but it is not. In the beginning I cried daily and thought about him every moment. As time went on I thought of him daily but I started to find joy in my life. As holidays, birthdays or family events came and went I felt empty and lonesome again; but my rebound always came a little sooner than the time before. Then I think of all the times he won’t be there; he won’t meet my children, I won’t meet his. He won’t sing to me my favorite songs or play for me at all. I regret all the time that I wasted with him; all the days I didn’t call, all the times I didn’t see him, all the years I lived angry at him. I miss telling him one last time that I love him! I miss my brother; I miss just knowing he was there if I needed him. I miss him needing me.


I think it is really corny and unoriginal to quote song lyrics and write them off as your own thoughts and feelings. But I am going to do it anyway. I really dislike this band but I heard this song shortly after Aaron died and it brought me some strange comfort. This song captures my anger and confusion (Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear. Until we… Let it all disappear… All I wanna do is trade this life for something new holding on to what I haven’t got…). It makes me feel closer to him because it makes me feel like I can understand how he felt (This is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control… So many things were left unsaid. It’s hard to let you go!) It makes me feel like we are both going through similar things (Picking up those pieces now where to begin. The hardest part of ending is starting again) - like I am trying to move on here without him and he is making progress in heaven. It makes me feel a little closer to him.

I know that this wound will be healing for the rest of my life. I will never forget him; I will never let his memory die in my family or in my heart! I love you Aaron!

Waiting for the End by Linkin Park

*I also think Aaron would have appreciated the digital effects in this music video!

Reassuring Dream

Last night I had a dream that my entire family was sucked back in time (about 10 years). Although we were not the ages we would have been (I think I was still 24) but that is beside the point. I was in talking to my Mom about how weird it was that we went back in time when Aaron walked through the room. My mouth dropped and Mom told me not to tell him about the future. I walked up to him and gave him a huge hug and wouldn’t let go. Finally he laughed (probably out of slight embarrassment that this hug was so long). I told him I just really missed him and just hugged harder trying not to cry (because that would kind of give it away). He then hugged me hard and when he pulled away I saw tears in his eyes and he said, “I love you too, Brea!” The rest of the dream had Michael’s room exploding in the ocean and killer sharks trying to attack us on floaties- but that is really not worth expounding on.

I was so nice to see Aaron, hug him and have him tell me he loves me! It was like an answer to prayers and it gave me a slight sense of closure. It makes me excited for when I can see him again and to get one of his awesome (really long) hugs!

I love you too, Aaron!