The Blind Men and the Elephant

I was listening to a CES Devotional given by Elder Uchtdorf about truth.  He quoted/spoke about a poem called 'The Blind Men and the Elephant' 

"Well over one hundred years ago, an American poet put to rhyme an ancient parable. The first verse of the poem speaks about:

Six men of Indostan

To learning much inclined,

Who went to see the Elephant

(Though all of them were blind),

That each by observation

Might satisfy his mind.

In the poem each of the six travelers takes hold of a different part of the elephant and then describes to the others what he has discovered.

One of the men finds the elephant’s leg and describes it as being round and rough like a tree. Another feels the tusk and describes the elephant as a spear. A third grabs the tail and insists that an elephant is like a rope. A fourth discovers the trunk and insists that the elephant is like a large snake.

Each is describing truth.

And because his truth comes from personal experience, each insists that he knows what he knows.

The poem concludes:

And so these men of Indostan

Disputed loud and long,

Each in his own opinion

Exceeding stiff and strong,

Though each was partly in the right,

And all were in the wrong!¹

We look at this story from a distance and smile. After all, we know what an elephant looks like. We have read about them and watched them on film, and many of us have even seen one with our own eyes. We believe we know the truth of what an elephant is. That someone could make a judgment based on one aspect of truth and apply it to the whole seems absurd or even unbelievable. On the other hand, can’t we recognize ourselves in these six blind men?"

I originally read this fireside as a suggestion from a friend to help reassure me that no matter how/what Ben and I decide to do as parents it will work out and it has really gotten me thinking a lot about truth lately.  Especially the truth and knowledge I have of the restored gospel on the earth. 

As we study the D&C in Sunday School and the youth have been studying the Godhead and the Plan of Salvation I have had a chance to look at the basics of my beliefs in the Godhead (and God in general), the restored gospel and my purpose in life. I believe it is important for us to occasionally strip down and study the fundamentals- get back to the basic truths!

This last week it was announced that the Pope (Benedict XVI) is resigning and stepping down (something that has not happened in over 600 years).  He is stepping down due to 'exhaustion in his old age' and his resignation has brought out scandals and discussion of 'changing policy' with the new Pope (Discussion has been brought up that the new pope must act as more of a 'CEO' and less as a spiritual leader in order to assure the church runs well).  It makes me sad that such a great standard of truth (papacy/core Christian values)in the world can be maimed and belittled so quickly and that this 'truth' for so many is being ripped apart. Is it an elephant or a tree?

It then makes me compare this to the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and of the truth and strength of our Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson.  I am so grateful that I know there is a modern day prophet, called of God, on this earth.  I am grateful that I know that by following him (as he follows the Lord) that the gospel and the church will remain true and pure.  I know this and I know that this is TRUTH. 

There have been other things in the news about changes in politics (changing standards in lue of popular votes) that make you reconsider the 'truth' that once was.  At Stake Conference this last weekend (I did not go but Ben gave me an update) Elder Carlson from the Quorum of the 70 spoke about the line between what is right and wrong (truth and false).  He spoke about how the lines are becoming clearer (less gray- more black and white) and that people are now being forced to choose a side between what is right and what is wrong (instead of wading in the middle ground).  

I am grateful to know that I have the gospel of Jesus Christ as a compass of truth in my life.  I am grateful that I live my life in full companionship with the spirit and can more clearly see the truth.  I am grateful for the scriptures, prophets/leaders and the spirit for helping me see the 'picture' of truth more clearly- that I know what an elephant really looks like and can recognize it for what it truly is.

I am grateful for the truth of the gospel!

BIRTH-day!!

We arrived excited and eager at Avista Adventist Hospital Friday morning (Feb 8) to be induced.  The first hour we were there we had paperwork, IV's and all the prep to get started.  I do not know if it was nerves or excitement but Ben sat rock still on the edge of his seat, not saying a word, just watching the process get going (he didn't even take off his coat).  This made me nervous about how the rest of the day would go with him but he soon got more comfortable with the hospital setting. 

The plan for the day was to insert some suppository pills into my cervix to begin softening my body and prepping me for the labor.  After a couple hours of this, they would put me on pitosin to begin the contractions and put me into full fledged labor.  Through this whole process, even when I had not started contracting, we had monitors on the baby and on my contraction levels- meaning that I was to spend most of the time in bed, with some short stints of movement off the monitors.  At the beginning they tried hooking me up to a walking monitor (which allowed Ben and I to do lap after lap of the small delivery unit in the hospital- we got to know those halls pretty well).  This monitor made me look HUGE and forced me to get into a hospital gown pretty early (not really complaining, they are comfy).  However for the first couple of hours I just slept, talked to Ben and watched TV. 

After the first suppository I started feeling really gooey.  I assumed this was the jell the Doctor used to check my cervix but it just kept coming and coming (kind of like I was wetting myself).  The nurse checked and no, it was not my water, but I had lost my mucus plug (wow, that was quick).  Within the next hour I began to have small contractions; they felt like very minor menstrual cramps and I did not realize I was feeling/doing anything until the nurse pointed out on the monitor that I was indeed contracting. 

After HOURS of walking and medicine balls and two more pills I was checked again and had only dilated to a 2.5 and was 75% effaced.  Because I was not very progressed they allowed me to have some dinner (yes, it was about 6:00 at night by this time). It was wonderful getting to eat something substantial (I had soup and toast- but it was still pretty substantial).  I had been very nauseated all day (walking the halls with a tub to catch vomit) and the food instantly soothed by stomach and gave me another boost of energy.  They decided they would see how the last pill did and then hook me up to the pitocin to really get things going.

It was the end of a shift and we were getting a new nurse; this nurse was convinced that a bath would help me progress and so we moved rooms (to be down by the 'spa'). This is also around the time that Mom came (she went to the new room and we weren't there yet so she thought they had lost us).  She has been anxiously awaiting news all day (as had been the rest of the family) and was going to come as soon as something started happening but decided to come join us for the 'long wait.'  It was great having Mom there as another person to distract me during my wait (yes, I was starting to contract a little more at this point- I was having to stop and breathe/focus a little instead of talking through them). 

After switching rooms we decided to try jumping in the shower to see if that would relax me and help the contractions get stronger. (I had to wait some time for the pill to absorb before getting into the tub).  The shower felt AMAZING (and I could just stand in there forever because I was not paying the water bill).  Ben sat outside the curtain (so he didn't get wet) and held my hand and talked to me as I showered.  While in the shower the contractions started picking up in intensity and consistency.  I began getting more and more uncomfortable; I tried sitting, squatting, the medicine ball- nope, nothing felt comfortable so I just ended up standing there (with a firm and probably slightly painful grip on Ben's hand).  After about an hour in the shower I decided I was done; with the shower, with contractions and with the entire labor experience (this was around 11:45pm).

I had come to the hospital and into labor with an open mind in relation to pain management and pain medication.  I decided I would like to try to have a natural labor but I was so unsure what to expect that I was willing to have an epidural if needed.  Once I was out of the shower and back in bed I decided that moment had come- give me the epidural.  The nurse encouraged me to breath deep and she would prepare the bathtub for me but after a couple more contractions I decided to skip the bath and just get the epidural.  The nurse called the anesthesiologist and then checked me to see how far along I was (I was hoping for at least a 5- if I got the medicine before a 5 I would feel like I was wimping out).  It turns out, and was quite a shock to everyone, that I was already fully effaced and at an 8- what? I had gone from a 2 to an 8 in a couple hours? No wonder I was suddenly feeling it.  As they started prepping me for the epidural I hit the transition stage and started shaking and shaking-hurry, give me the epidural now! About 20 minutes after getting checked (at an 8) I was hunched over with the anesthesiologist poised to insert the needle when, "Wait, I think I need to push!"

People say you will 'just know' when you need to push and I was a little hesitant about that feeling; how will I know when my body is ready to push a watermelon out of me? But it is true and slightly shocking to feel your body prepare to push- it is the point when you think 'If I want to or not, this is happening and I can't stop it'.

I decided to continue and get the epidural and immediately started to feel an ease to the pain.  Once he left my nurse checked again and found that I was at a 10 and probably could have the baby at any moment EXCEPT the epidural stopped everything.  It was so nice to have a moment to breath and to relax, to wrap my mind around what was happening, to love my husband and to mentally prepare BUT it was also horrible to know that I had stopped all my progress and we just had to wait. Looking back on the experience I am glad I was able to relax but I was not mentally aware of how close I was to the finish line.  If I would have been aware (yes, I knew the numbers but I didn't 'know') I do not think I would have gotten the epidural. 

After about an hour I decided I was done with the epidural and I wanted my baby but that is not exactly how it works.  The initial dose of medicine hits hard and lasts about two hours, after which you are given a drip (which can be increased/decreased as needed).  We decided to turn off the drip, allowing my feeling to come back gradually and for my labor to pick back up.  This was very nice to have things feel manageable again but to be able to see the results.  I began pushing (which on complete anesthesia was a little ridiculous because I couldn't feel anything) and it started working.  It was exciting to see the head start to emerge and to hear everyone's excitement ("She has hair! She has hair!").  They set up a mirror so I could see what was going on and it gave me a lot of encouragement to keep going.

In the end I was exhausted and out of breath (like I had just ran a mile- which is far for me) but the epidural had taken the edge off the pain (I could still feel but not the same) and I knew I was at the finish line.  Once I was crowning and the doctor came in, it all went pretty fast.  On the second push her head came out, the doctor had me wait while he unwrapped the cord (she had a 'double necklace'- the cord was wrapped around her neck twice) and then came the final push. At 3:43 am on Saturday February 9, 2013 our beautiful baby girl was born!

The doctor held her down for a couple seconds, to suck the nose, wipe off some slime and allow the cord to pulse a little bit (and Ben cut it), and then they stuck our little bundle of joy on me.  I cannot even express my feelings; shock and disbelief that she was finally there, joy and awe at the precious gift on my chest and pure excitement.  Ben hunched down next to me and together we cooed over our baby girl- it could have been minutes or hours- I honestly have no idea.  At one point Ben must have stepped away to cut the cord, at one point I must have delivered the placenta (I did look down at the mirror and think I saw it), they even cleaned her up and rubbed her down but I honestly do not remember anything but looking at our beautiful baby girl!!

Some people prepped me with the idea that you might not always immediately bond with your baby but that was not the case.  I immediately loved our little baby girl. I again, cannot even find the words to express the flood of emotions and love that swept over me as I saw her and held her in my arms.  She was beautiful, plump and mine!! Ben just kept saying, "Look Brea, She's OURS!!" 

I did come back to reality as the doctor started stitching me up- ouch (I guess the anesthesia really was wearing off).  I tore just a little bit on the inside top and bottom. They took the baby and Ben to do stats as they continued to 'work' on me.  I am glad that I talked to people about immediately after labor or I would have been so confused at the punching, kneading and massaging of my belly to get out the blood and start the final contractions. However at this point, even though it was painful, I was so happy to have it done and especially to have our little bundle of joy that I didn't care...much.

The rest of the night is a blur; the room got cleaned up and emptied, I nursed her for the first time, I was helped to the bathroom (although I think they gave me a catheter for a while?) and by 6:30 we were all down at the nursery for her first bath.   When we got back to our room, Ben and I were both so tired (physically and emotionally) that we crashed (they kept the baby in the nursery for that short stretch until she needed to nurse again to give us some sleep time).  I continued to have nurses coming in to check my stats, give me medicine and 'massage' my belly but was able to get about an hour of sleep before our next big day began!!

I am so grateful that I was able to have a baby; that my body was healthy and strong enough to carry her for 9 months (and a week) and that I was able to deliver her into this world.  I am grateful and awed at the wisdom of our Heavenly Father who created our bodies to be able to reproduce and have children.  I am so grateful that Ben and I have been trusted to raise and keep one of Heavenly Father's priceless children.  I am so grateful for our beautiful baby girl!

No Room at the Inn

 A full term pregnancy is 40 weeks- it is at this time that the baby is fully developed, plumped and ready for the world.  If delivered before 40 weeks there are risks of underdevelopment and a low birth rate.  If delivered after 40 weeks there are risks of merconium (baby poop) in the amniotic fluids and the gradual disintegration of the placenta (increased delivery risk).  An even more common risk of an overdue birth is the irritation, anxiety and crankiness of the overly ripe pregnant woman.  I was one of those women!

At my 40 week Doctor's appointment I was still closed tight (like unto a dish) and not showing any signs that my body was ready for delivery. With the doctor we discussed the risks of a post term baby and decided to set an induction date (for a little shy of my 42 week date) on a day that the doctor would be on call. Induction is when the doctor artificially stimulates and starts childbirth. 

The plan: IF the baby had not come naturally by then- come in at 8:00pm the night before the actual induction date, the doctor would insert a suppository (a pill that helps soften the cervix) and let me sleep through the night with it in.  This would hopefully soften me up and help my body move into a 'natural' labor and if this did not work we would use medications to create contractions. Either way- we were having our baby girl no later than Friday February 8!! YAY!

As our day drew near I learned that there are some positives and some negatives to having an induction date.

Positive: You know when it's coming (again, if not naturally before).  I was able to make a good list and a well thought out plan of what to be done before going to the hospital.  For weeks I have been on the end of my seat ready to rush to the hospital when I go into labor and therefore 'sitting' on some of my To Do's until the last minute.  You want the kitchen to be clean/sanitized, dishes done and floor swept before going to the hospital but do you really want to keep it sanitized and unused for weeks (and do you really want to do that while laboring before going to the hospital)? Then there is laundry, washing the toilet, watering plants, paying bills- all things that should be done before a big 'trip' away from the home but if done to early, must be repeated.  Knowing I was going to the hospital on Thursday night helped me manage this list.  I was able to repack our hospital bag with freshly washed cloths, vacuum the entire house and expertly make the bed (so we could come home to something nice). By Thursday afternoon I had completed my list and checked it off twice (now to wait the last four hours before getting to go get this thing on the road)!

Negative: You know when it's coming! All of the anticipation, anxiety and worry of childbirth, parenthood and the change of life is a normal part of pregnancy and expecting parents.  These worries dot and trickle through your everyday life as you get closer to the birth of your precious wee one. When you have an actual date in which your world will explode and then change forever you can rest easy and save all of these worrisome feelings until THAT DAY! So in essence it makes the rest of the time easier because you can rest at ease that you know the date, time and place of the end of your life, as you know it. 

With the worry also comes the excitement- we're going to have a baby! We're going to have a BABY!! Thursday morning was full of these emotions.  By 10:00 am Ben had called and texted multiple times, unable to concentrate on work (or assigning his workload out- yay paternity leave).  We were both keeping a countdown- only 8 HOURS!! 7.5 HOURS!! 6 HOURS!! (Yes, that sounds like a lot but after over 9 months a couple of  hours is an exciting thing.)

Thursday February 7 turned out to be quite a day of emotion- anticipation, excitement, worry, joy and...ANGER!?!

Around 5:00 Thursday night while I was sitting at home anxiously waiting Ben's arrival and the final countdown to our stay at the hospital and the arrival of our baby girl, I got a phone call.  I didn't recognize the number- oh, well, it's probably someone calling to tell me how super excited they are for us and how amazing my night will be- LIE!! It was the head nurse at the hospital calling to inform me that they had an unexpected amount of walk in's and they were FULL and would have to post pone our induction.  WHAT?  How can a hospital be full?  How can you postpone this? It's on the calendar; the bed is made, the bags are packed (even my toiletries), the trash is emptied.  Is this even allowed? 

Yes, we get to go in the next morning but then what am I supposed to do while the suppository is softening me? SIT THERE? You want me to just sit there in the middle of the day and WAIT to go into labor- I have been doing that for 9 MONTHS!! And then I have to unpack our hospital bag and remake the bed- HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? 

I called Ben to inform him of our misfortune- he was shocked but laughed at our bad luck (remember how they cancelled on us when we were finding out this little squirts sex? You would think they would pick on someone else for a change!) I...could not...laugh.  I was so frustrated, annoyed and angry- I have decided to blame my intense fiery furry on my pregnancy hormones and disintegrating placenta!! 

In my anger I decided to post my woes on facebook- get some sympathy to fuel the fire- but NO. People congratulated me- WHAT?  Told me I had a great doctor to have me wait- STUPID! Told me I was so lucky to be having a baby- YEAH and with all the cancelations, when will that be?! To stop any additional ranting, I will just state that I was very disappointed in my 'support system' of facebook for not sustaining my anger and offering to punch someone in the face for me!! Seeing this anger Ben had me call Andrea- "She will let you be angry and make you feel better."  He was right- thanks Andrea, I know I can always look to you for some loving angry support!!

So, now having no plans on a Friday night, we decided to go 'stick it to the man' and have a date night with hamburgers and fries at Red Robin- who needs hospital food? AND to stick it further, we got an appetizer!  The only problem with this plan was that I was so upset from my day of anxiety, excitement let-down and angry rampage that I worked myself sick.  All of this amazing food arrived at our table and I had to excuse myself to go be sick in the bathroom (our poor waiter thought I ate something bad).  No I didn't throw up, I just sat grumpy, nauseated and sad in the Red Robin bathroom on the night I was supposed to be induced!  Talk about a letdown!

 On a good note, some of our friends (who are awesome at letting me gripe and whine- thanks Olsen's) had us over for dessert and some much needed distraction.  Now- if we can only get one last night of uninterrupted deep and peaceful non-anxious sleep- ha...yeah right!!!

Released from YW

On Sunday I was released from Young Women's.  I have known for a couple weeks and have filled our house with tears on multiple occasions (poor Ben).  I love working with the Young Women, they have such a special joy and radiance in their countenance.  They are amazing examples to me and I am constantly amazed and shocked by their testimonies and gospel knowledge. 

In July of last year our Stake was chosen to be a pilot group for a new Youth curriculum, which started this January.  This curriculum takes the teaching back to the basics; there are not teaching manuals (just topics and optional layouts) and the instructors are encouraged to lead a discussion but let the girls share and participate more.  It has been amazing watching the growth of the girls as they have begun sharing their testimonies and participating more in lessons.  I have felt the spirit so strongly and have personally learned so much.  I am sad to be leaving these inspiring lessons and the simple yet profound testimonies of these Young Women.

I am also sad because I have enjoyed spending time with them; they help fill me up with a youthful exuberance.  I have become close with all the girls and have really developed friendships.  I know that I can still talk to them and stay in contact with them but now they are not forced to talk to me (ha).  I am excited to watch them as they grow up and experience more of life.