Move to the NICU

That first night the nursery kept the wee-one so that we could sleep.  Ben got almost 3 hours and I got almost 2 (I had nurses still coming in and checking on me) but we both felt rejuvenated. They brought in the baby and the nurse sat with me and helped me nurse her.  She was still ADORABLE and we were both still in awe that we had a perfect little baby girl.  After nursing her the nurse (Katie) was going to take her back to the nursery so we could get a little more sleep.  Less than five minutes later Katie returned with some troubling news.  She said that the baby wasn't looking right after leaving our room (she was blue) so they did an extra check in the nursery and found that she was having respiratory problems.  Her oxygen levels were down between 60-70% (which is really low) so they decided to do some tests.  

We took this picture right after that first feeding- can you see she is blue? We didn't notice.

This experience made me really grateful for our nurse and her training and instinct.  Ben and I did not notice that the nursing had caused the baby to turn blue (she stopped breathing while sucking), we thought she just looked like a new baby.  Our nurse said she was worried but did not want to shock us so she didn't say anything but decided to check the baby just in case.  We are so glad that she did and that the baby was able to get such great care so quickly.  

Ben went with the nurse to go be with the baby during the tests (I stayed and slept- which was probably good because Ben said it was rough watching them poke the baby).  They did an x-ray to see if she had any cloudiness in her lungs; this could tell us if she had aspirated any merconium in the womb.  The x-rays came back a little foggy but clear of merconium.  They did a white blood cell count and found that her count was elevated, showing that her body was fighting off an infection.  They also did two different blood draws and sent them to the lab; they would then grow her blood in a culture to see if anything bad grew.  (It turned out that nothing did grow; which means that whatever infection that was causing her to be sick did not reach her blood.  This is fantastic!  The doctor said she probably got pneumonia right after birth and it went straight to her lungs- how that happens, I don't know but I am glad we caught it so early.)

They immediately started her on two different IV antibiotics, oxygen, artificial heat lamps and hooked her up to all sorts of monitors to keep track of her stats. So at less than 6 hours old our little wee one was officially a patient of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). 

Our sad little girl after all her tests.

The NICU is a secure wing with buzz in doors, sinks and sanitation as you walk in and limited visitors.  Most of the babies in the wing were premature babies and were very sick- we felt lucky that our little girl was so healthy in comparison.   We, as her parents, were aloud in to see her all the time however we were not able to have visitors unless they got a special pass (we got one for both grandma's).  This meant that family and friends that came and visited us in the hospital were not able to see the baby.  This was kind of sad but it was nice that people would still come to see us.   

You are not allowed in the NICU if you are sick (or you have to wear a face mask).  I was feeling sick after the long night of labor and no sleep, so I had to wear a mask the first day and Ben started feeling sick that first night so he wore a mask most of the time we were in the hospital.  

It is also kind of hard in the NICU because she is hooked up to so many monitors so we were not really able to hold her if there was not a nurse there to help us.  I was able to hold her a lot, because I was still coming in every two hours to nurse her, but Ben felt bad having to get the nurses help so he spent hours just gazing in at our sweet baby girl. 

Because the baby was in the NICU it meant that we would have an extended stay in the hospital (5 days). Usually you only stay in the hospital for 48 hours after giving birth; She was born Saturday morning and so I was discharged Monday morning.  However we were able to 'board' at the hospital for the rest of the time she was in the NICU.  This basically means that we were using our room as a hotel. It was so nice that we were able to stay at the hospital.  Our room was just down a long hall from the NICU and it was nice to be able to go back to my room in the middle of the night between feedings and to be so close, if we were needed.  The only down side to boarding at the hospital is the risk of over crowding and being kicked out. 

To follow our luck this is EXACTLY what happened.  We were going to be able to take our baby girl home on Thursday February 14 (Valentine's Day) and they were still unsure whether we would be taking oxygen home with us or not.  However Wednesday morning they came to us to let us know that the maternity ward was filling up and they needed our room (in an hour); so we had to pack up and get all our stuff out.  Ben took everything home and I set up a 'permanent' station in the NICU (that is not usually allowed but I didn't have anywhere else to go). 

Knowing that we were 'homeless' the pediatrician and NICU nurses took a look at the baby and decided that she could be released that night; they usually like to keep them overnight after the last dose of antibiotics to make sure their body is handling it but they said we could take her.  They also took her off her oxygen so they could monitor and make sure she would be okay when we took her home (she was- yay- no oxygen needed). So it was kind of good that we got kicked out because we got to bring our baby girl home one day early- healthy and oxygen free.  

GOING HOME!!

This experience makes me grateful for the reassuring power of the spirit and priesthood blessings.  When we were trying to get pregnant I was very nervous about the health of the baby; because of my medications there were huge risks and I did not think I would be able to handle having a sick child.  I fasted and prayed about this for months before and during the pregnancy and my fears and worries were put at ease that everything would work out how it was supposed to.  I was reassured that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and my family and that if I had faith and trusted in him everything would be okay.  This reassurance helped me to be calm during these scary and unsure times in the NICU.  

*Special Shout Out to the amazing nurses and doctors in the NICU who helped keep our baby alive and healthy and helped support Ben and I during this confusing and hard time. 

The Blind Men and the Elephant

I was listening to a CES Devotional given by Elder Uchtdorf about truth.  He quoted/spoke about a poem called 'The Blind Men and the Elephant' 

"Well over one hundred years ago, an American poet put to rhyme an ancient parable. The first verse of the poem speaks about:

Six men of Indostan

To learning much inclined,

Who went to see the Elephant

(Though all of them were blind),

That each by observation

Might satisfy his mind.

In the poem each of the six travelers takes hold of a different part of the elephant and then describes to the others what he has discovered.

One of the men finds the elephant’s leg and describes it as being round and rough like a tree. Another feels the tusk and describes the elephant as a spear. A third grabs the tail and insists that an elephant is like a rope. A fourth discovers the trunk and insists that the elephant is like a large snake.

Each is describing truth.

And because his truth comes from personal experience, each insists that he knows what he knows.

The poem concludes:

And so these men of Indostan

Disputed loud and long,

Each in his own opinion

Exceeding stiff and strong,

Though each was partly in the right,

And all were in the wrong!¹

We look at this story from a distance and smile. After all, we know what an elephant looks like. We have read about them and watched them on film, and many of us have even seen one with our own eyes. We believe we know the truth of what an elephant is. That someone could make a judgment based on one aspect of truth and apply it to the whole seems absurd or even unbelievable. On the other hand, can’t we recognize ourselves in these six blind men?"

I originally read this fireside as a suggestion from a friend to help reassure me that no matter how/what Ben and I decide to do as parents it will work out and it has really gotten me thinking a lot about truth lately.  Especially the truth and knowledge I have of the restored gospel on the earth. 

As we study the D&C in Sunday School and the youth have been studying the Godhead and the Plan of Salvation I have had a chance to look at the basics of my beliefs in the Godhead (and God in general), the restored gospel and my purpose in life. I believe it is important for us to occasionally strip down and study the fundamentals- get back to the basic truths!

This last week it was announced that the Pope (Benedict XVI) is resigning and stepping down (something that has not happened in over 600 years).  He is stepping down due to 'exhaustion in his old age' and his resignation has brought out scandals and discussion of 'changing policy' with the new Pope (Discussion has been brought up that the new pope must act as more of a 'CEO' and less as a spiritual leader in order to assure the church runs well).  It makes me sad that such a great standard of truth (papacy/core Christian values)in the world can be maimed and belittled so quickly and that this 'truth' for so many is being ripped apart. Is it an elephant or a tree?

It then makes me compare this to the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and of the truth and strength of our Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson.  I am so grateful that I know there is a modern day prophet, called of God, on this earth.  I am grateful that I know that by following him (as he follows the Lord) that the gospel and the church will remain true and pure.  I know this and I know that this is TRUTH. 

There have been other things in the news about changes in politics (changing standards in lue of popular votes) that make you reconsider the 'truth' that once was.  At Stake Conference this last weekend (I did not go but Ben gave me an update) Elder Carlson from the Quorum of the 70 spoke about the line between what is right and wrong (truth and false).  He spoke about how the lines are becoming clearer (less gray- more black and white) and that people are now being forced to choose a side between what is right and what is wrong (instead of wading in the middle ground).  

I am grateful to know that I have the gospel of Jesus Christ as a compass of truth in my life.  I am grateful that I live my life in full companionship with the spirit and can more clearly see the truth.  I am grateful for the scriptures, prophets/leaders and the spirit for helping me see the 'picture' of truth more clearly- that I know what an elephant really looks like and can recognize it for what it truly is.

I am grateful for the truth of the gospel!

BIRTH-day!!

We arrived excited and eager at Avista Adventist Hospital Friday morning (Feb 8) to be induced.  The first hour we were there we had paperwork, IV's and all the prep to get started.  I do not know if it was nerves or excitement but Ben sat rock still on the edge of his seat, not saying a word, just watching the process get going (he didn't even take off his coat).  This made me nervous about how the rest of the day would go with him but he soon got more comfortable with the hospital setting. 

The plan for the day was to insert some suppository pills into my cervix to begin softening my body and prepping me for the labor.  After a couple hours of this, they would put me on pitosin to begin the contractions and put me into full fledged labor.  Through this whole process, even when I had not started contracting, we had monitors on the baby and on my contraction levels- meaning that I was to spend most of the time in bed, with some short stints of movement off the monitors.  At the beginning they tried hooking me up to a walking monitor (which allowed Ben and I to do lap after lap of the small delivery unit in the hospital- we got to know those halls pretty well).  This monitor made me look HUGE and forced me to get into a hospital gown pretty early (not really complaining, they are comfy).  However for the first couple of hours I just slept, talked to Ben and watched TV. 

After the first suppository I started feeling really gooey.  I assumed this was the jell the Doctor used to check my cervix but it just kept coming and coming (kind of like I was wetting myself).  The nurse checked and no, it was not my water, but I had lost my mucus plug (wow, that was quick).  Within the next hour I began to have small contractions; they felt like very minor menstrual cramps and I did not realize I was feeling/doing anything until the nurse pointed out on the monitor that I was indeed contracting. 

After HOURS of walking and medicine balls and two more pills I was checked again and had only dilated to a 2.5 and was 75% effaced.  Because I was not very progressed they allowed me to have some dinner (yes, it was about 6:00 at night by this time). It was wonderful getting to eat something substantial (I had soup and toast- but it was still pretty substantial).  I had been very nauseated all day (walking the halls with a tub to catch vomit) and the food instantly soothed by stomach and gave me another boost of energy.  They decided they would see how the last pill did and then hook me up to the pitocin to really get things going.

It was the end of a shift and we were getting a new nurse; this nurse was convinced that a bath would help me progress and so we moved rooms (to be down by the 'spa'). This is also around the time that Mom came (she went to the new room and we weren't there yet so she thought they had lost us).  She has been anxiously awaiting news all day (as had been the rest of the family) and was going to come as soon as something started happening but decided to come join us for the 'long wait.'  It was great having Mom there as another person to distract me during my wait (yes, I was starting to contract a little more at this point- I was having to stop and breathe/focus a little instead of talking through them). 

After switching rooms we decided to try jumping in the shower to see if that would relax me and help the contractions get stronger. (I had to wait some time for the pill to absorb before getting into the tub).  The shower felt AMAZING (and I could just stand in there forever because I was not paying the water bill).  Ben sat outside the curtain (so he didn't get wet) and held my hand and talked to me as I showered.  While in the shower the contractions started picking up in intensity and consistency.  I began getting more and more uncomfortable; I tried sitting, squatting, the medicine ball- nope, nothing felt comfortable so I just ended up standing there (with a firm and probably slightly painful grip on Ben's hand).  After about an hour in the shower I decided I was done; with the shower, with contractions and with the entire labor experience (this was around 11:45pm).

I had come to the hospital and into labor with an open mind in relation to pain management and pain medication.  I decided I would like to try to have a natural labor but I was so unsure what to expect that I was willing to have an epidural if needed.  Once I was out of the shower and back in bed I decided that moment had come- give me the epidural.  The nurse encouraged me to breath deep and she would prepare the bathtub for me but after a couple more contractions I decided to skip the bath and just get the epidural.  The nurse called the anesthesiologist and then checked me to see how far along I was (I was hoping for at least a 5- if I got the medicine before a 5 I would feel like I was wimping out).  It turns out, and was quite a shock to everyone, that I was already fully effaced and at an 8- what? I had gone from a 2 to an 8 in a couple hours? No wonder I was suddenly feeling it.  As they started prepping me for the epidural I hit the transition stage and started shaking and shaking-hurry, give me the epidural now! About 20 minutes after getting checked (at an 8) I was hunched over with the anesthesiologist poised to insert the needle when, "Wait, I think I need to push!"

People say you will 'just know' when you need to push and I was a little hesitant about that feeling; how will I know when my body is ready to push a watermelon out of me? But it is true and slightly shocking to feel your body prepare to push- it is the point when you think 'If I want to or not, this is happening and I can't stop it'.

I decided to continue and get the epidural and immediately started to feel an ease to the pain.  Once he left my nurse checked again and found that I was at a 10 and probably could have the baby at any moment EXCEPT the epidural stopped everything.  It was so nice to have a moment to breath and to relax, to wrap my mind around what was happening, to love my husband and to mentally prepare BUT it was also horrible to know that I had stopped all my progress and we just had to wait. Looking back on the experience I am glad I was able to relax but I was not mentally aware of how close I was to the finish line.  If I would have been aware (yes, I knew the numbers but I didn't 'know') I do not think I would have gotten the epidural. 

After about an hour I decided I was done with the epidural and I wanted my baby but that is not exactly how it works.  The initial dose of medicine hits hard and lasts about two hours, after which you are given a drip (which can be increased/decreased as needed).  We decided to turn off the drip, allowing my feeling to come back gradually and for my labor to pick back up.  This was very nice to have things feel manageable again but to be able to see the results.  I began pushing (which on complete anesthesia was a little ridiculous because I couldn't feel anything) and it started working.  It was exciting to see the head start to emerge and to hear everyone's excitement ("She has hair! She has hair!").  They set up a mirror so I could see what was going on and it gave me a lot of encouragement to keep going.

In the end I was exhausted and out of breath (like I had just ran a mile- which is far for me) but the epidural had taken the edge off the pain (I could still feel but not the same) and I knew I was at the finish line.  Once I was crowning and the doctor came in, it all went pretty fast.  On the second push her head came out, the doctor had me wait while he unwrapped the cord (she had a 'double necklace'- the cord was wrapped around her neck twice) and then came the final push. At 3:43 am on Saturday February 9, 2013 our beautiful baby girl was born!

The doctor held her down for a couple seconds, to suck the nose, wipe off some slime and allow the cord to pulse a little bit (and Ben cut it), and then they stuck our little bundle of joy on me.  I cannot even express my feelings; shock and disbelief that she was finally there, joy and awe at the precious gift on my chest and pure excitement.  Ben hunched down next to me and together we cooed over our baby girl- it could have been minutes or hours- I honestly have no idea.  At one point Ben must have stepped away to cut the cord, at one point I must have delivered the placenta (I did look down at the mirror and think I saw it), they even cleaned her up and rubbed her down but I honestly do not remember anything but looking at our beautiful baby girl!!

Some people prepped me with the idea that you might not always immediately bond with your baby but that was not the case.  I immediately loved our little baby girl. I again, cannot even find the words to express the flood of emotions and love that swept over me as I saw her and held her in my arms.  She was beautiful, plump and mine!! Ben just kept saying, "Look Brea, She's OURS!!" 

I did come back to reality as the doctor started stitching me up- ouch (I guess the anesthesia really was wearing off).  I tore just a little bit on the inside top and bottom. They took the baby and Ben to do stats as they continued to 'work' on me.  I am glad that I talked to people about immediately after labor or I would have been so confused at the punching, kneading and massaging of my belly to get out the blood and start the final contractions. However at this point, even though it was painful, I was so happy to have it done and especially to have our little bundle of joy that I didn't care...much.

The rest of the night is a blur; the room got cleaned up and emptied, I nursed her for the first time, I was helped to the bathroom (although I think they gave me a catheter for a while?) and by 6:30 we were all down at the nursery for her first bath.   When we got back to our room, Ben and I were both so tired (physically and emotionally) that we crashed (they kept the baby in the nursery for that short stretch until she needed to nurse again to give us some sleep time).  I continued to have nurses coming in to check my stats, give me medicine and 'massage' my belly but was able to get about an hour of sleep before our next big day began!!

I am so grateful that I was able to have a baby; that my body was healthy and strong enough to carry her for 9 months (and a week) and that I was able to deliver her into this world.  I am grateful and awed at the wisdom of our Heavenly Father who created our bodies to be able to reproduce and have children.  I am so grateful that Ben and I have been trusted to raise and keep one of Heavenly Father's priceless children.  I am so grateful for our beautiful baby girl!